dark brandonJoe BidenLet's go Brandonstate of the unionThe New York Times

Dark Brandon is back, and the media is enthralled. President Joe Biden gave an impassioned State of the Union speech last night, emphasising Ukraine, threats to democracy, and abortion.

Well over a dozen major news outlets called the speech “fiery” in headlines. New York Times columnists wrote, alternately, that Biden was “energized and feisty”, “brought the heat” and had “multiple fire-breathing moments”, though in-house conservative Ross Douthat wasn’t impressed. “It wasn’t actually a good speech”, he wrote.

So fiery was the speech that it sparked widespread speculation about the President’s rumoured use of performance-enhancing drugs — including Panera’s caffeinated and allegedly deadly Charged Lemonade.

Biden’s public as an doddering octogenarian may have actually helped him last night. Per Politico: just by showing up and using complete sentences, Biden defied the “lower-than-Death Valley expectations that had been set for him”.